End of the Road... Maybe not

Okay... so I have thought to come and post for a while now... but I didn't... I've been busy, distracted, resting, etc... However, I have completed my two years of graduate school. People keep asking me what am I going to do next... that is so annoying.... unnerving... unanswerable... why... because I don't know, well, besides working... but then people ask... where are you going to work, do you have a job lined up yet, what do you want to do, are you looking for a job, etc... I wonder if people really know (a) how tired I am and (b) how bad I really want to be working yet, how TIRED I really am... so...

So, that's where my thoughts are at the moment. I have taken up gardening since being back at home. I planted a large and small flower bed in the backyard. Other than the two different types of lillies in 4 colors... I can't even tell you the names of my plants ;) I have sent out resume's applied for jobs, gone on interviews, gone to career fairs and now I am standing... trying to be patient and rest and wait on the Lord... it isn't that easy I must confess... but that is where I am.... so...

I am truly, truly excited to have completed my MA. I enjoyed graduation week, graduation and my party. So, don't think that I am down in the dumps, because I am not... I just want to move forward... wherever that may be... I'm having trouble waiting... on so many things... but that's another post...

C'ya

Crossroads

Lord... time flies... its been a month already... Anyway... Crossroads... you know that point when you have way too many decisions... to many paths ahead of you... basically... too many choices... too many possibilities... and at the same time... you don't really know what is possible. You don't know what you want... in so many directions...

I'm not even being pulled any many directions... unless you count my heart... It doesn't know what it wants... and then... my head... normally it thinks it knows what it wants/needs... but now even that certainty is gone. It leaves me in an uncomfortable state... What do you do when you don't know what to do about 'life, love and other mysteries?' The only thing I think I can do is just keep moving... almost trusting that things will end up as they should, that things will work out like they should... that I will somehow have wound up on the correct path... that the decisions ahead of me will somehow mysteriously work themselves out. What else can I do... think???

If it was just one thing or one area it wouldn't be so disconcerting... but it seems that I have trusted God thus far with my life... and I still do... but I have no idea where I am going to end up, in the long run... I mean short term yes, I'm in the beginning of my new career... no confusion about that path, so to speak... I just don't know what all it will entail... I don't know if there's going to be more than I know and can forsee right now... already I'm thinking of other ways I can reach out and impact my community... and I'm thinking on larger scales and wondering just how on earth am I supposed to get these things done... or am I supposed to...

Then... lets just name it... love... when will that really come... really... will it?... Ever?... For real?... Sure, I know... have faith... easier said than done... not even so much that I don't believe that "love" can't come.. but will it be right... will he be right... will he be the one that God wants for me... or will I choose wrong just because I'm ready for love... I feel like India.Arie, you know the song, "I am ready for love"... So... you'd think that would be it right...nope... then there is the whole logistically where will I end up in 4 short months... I know what I want... but is even that right??? My entire life seems to be outside of my control... maybe I never had control...but I thought I did and now I am so very fiercely aware of how much I just am NOT in control... its a scary thought... I know... God has me... I'm sure He does...but what about when I act up?... What then? What about when I make wrong choices... for wrong reasons... what then? See... Crossroads... and still... this isn't it...

Professionally... as I begin to carve out my professional identity... what does that mean... to be a strong, black, professional woman.. who am I accountable to... who do I owe... who's looking up to me... am I aware of all of the eyes on me... am I thinking large enough... instead of thinking regionally, or even nationally... should my thoughts be more global? I don't think so... but hey.... who knows... I mean... there are so many avenues I could go down... so many decisions to be made... will it involve more schooling... can I do it? Do I want to? Is it really necessary?

So... with all of these things on my mind is it any wonder that I can't really seem to focus. I'm trying to just focus on what is immediately ahead of me and let tomorrow work itself out... but some things must be planned... I have to finish up this semester of classes and assignments, finish up the internship, find a job... and not just any job... not just any agency... but one that will give me the clientele I need to obtain my license... so much pressure... and yet... I feel calm... is that a defense mechanism... or has God given me peace even in the midst of my confusion. I hope so.

Fresh Perspective

Wow! It has certainly been a long time since I posted! A lot has gone on though in my life. Let's see... I was dating someone and now I'm not. I had a super hectic schedule and now I'm in the midst of the "calm before the storm" but what is most amazing to me is this... Almost 2 years ago I started this blog to track my time through grad school and come this May that season in my life will end.

I suffered a lot in 2007 and I am so very happy that it is gone. I thank God for getting me through it. So many people I told that I was struggling, yet it seemed that they didn't believe me... well... the struggle is over. I have a renewed outlook... made a little stronger from experiences just past... What have I learned? That no matter how much I want to get in the driver's seat in my life and take over, I can not do a better job at navigating my life than God, my Father. I attempted to do my own thang and not consult God about it and all it did was blow up in my face. Yet, even in that I can honestly say that I don't even want to have something that God does not intend for me to have. Why? Because he knows how that thing is going to affect me down the line where I can't see... but He can... and He loves me... so why not just let go... seriously let go... and trust Him. That is what I have learned. I want to be married and I want a family... but I don't want to sacrifice my relationship with God for people and things. The blessings of God maketh rich and adds no sorrow. I need to keep that in my head... because the things that I have gone after.. brought me sorrow... that was me... not God... but me. And finally, as Mary J. Blige sings... I call it a 'Lesson Learned'...

So, it is a new year, and I have gaind a fresh perspective, I'm going to follow Phillippians 3:13-14. I'm going to forget those things which are behind and press toward the mark of high calling which is in Christ Jesus. So my motto for this year is '2008 will be great'

Come To Me...

My Father... I typed those words and was stuck... stuck because... when I think about my Heavenly Father... and all that I mean to Him... it leaves me in awe... simply stuck.

I'd been doing some running from my Father... Had a bit of an attitude and it was with audaciousness that I refused to go to my Father and consult Him regarding one of the hugest areas of my life... Yet... as a loving Father He watched me and protected me, never far from me, as I sought about ... running from Him... This weekend... my Father came to me.

I know the scripture that says "draw nigh to me and I'll draw night to you..." but... or rather so... I was really shocked because I wasn't looking for Him to come to me... but I'm learning more about my Father's character right now... and He loved me first anyway... he drew near to me first anyway. As if He hadn't already demonstrated His love towards me... this day... I have never felt more loved. Now that He has come to me... I know that I need to do my part... honestly communicate with Him... even though He knows all... I know that I need to tell Him what and how I'm feeling... Just like a parent knows when their children are mad, sad, angry confused... so does our Father... except unlike our parents... he knows the beginning, the middle and the end of our pain... and He is the cure to what ails me.

Life, Love & Other Mysteries...

You know... I feel like I come on here to babble... and I sorta do... I don't know who besides one person that actually reads... which probably makes it a bit more easy to type out my thoughts... LOL!

I remember Point of Grace had a CD entitled 'Life Love and Other Mysteries' and that phrase has stuck with me ever since... I think... I may be afraid to love... really love... that let loose, let it all hang out love... that is a challenging thought for me... and one that I must wrestle with if I ever desire to be married, in more than name only. I've realized lately that I've never loved without limits... I believe that I have felt the beginning stages of that... but that freedom to love and be loved died... back with my 1st love...

Mary J. Blige had a song entitled 'Love Without a Limit'... I wonder now... what is that really like... and the only way for me to learn is to... learn to let go... but how do you let go a part of yourself that you have held onto for dear life for so long... I wasn't even aware that I hadn't loved to that depth... Now... I'm wondering how do I go about it and yet still protect myself... maybe I can't... maybe that is part of the letting go... literally letting go... As simple as that sounds.. I kinda get it and I kinda don't... Lord help the man that is for me... help him to be able to demonstrate that love towards me... model it for me... and then... Lord help me to be able to reciprocate that love... it's easy to love God... but man... at that level... that is a truly scary thought... and yet... people do it every day without thought...

Fresh Starts... With a Stretch

You know... it's late... I know... I've been wanting to post for a while but not quite sure what I want to say, though I have things that I can say. I was looking back over some things from last semester and saw something that I had appropriately titled 'New Beginnings' and on some level... that is what has been going on for me. I'm experiencing all kinds of newness and I can't say that all of it is great or comfortable... though... it is new... So... there comes the stretch. It is amazing how much we may have to stretch to get something that we want... something that is within reach... if we stretch. I've heard of growing pains... but this is a bit different.

So, here I am... at this time in my life, where I am so very sure of myself on some things... and so very uncertain or dare I even admit it, afraid about other things... Funny thing is... some of the things that I want are directly in front of me and attainable... thing is I have to stretch to reach them... can I do it? Can I stretch beyond what is normal or comfortable for me and reach higher or farther to grasp what I have longed for?... Time will tell... but I tell you this... as much as I want what I want... I find it difficult to reach... so... I'll do it... even if it's one finger at a time at times... I'll do it... I have learned that I am not alone, that I don't have to do it all... alone. When I reach, when I strech... I can have my friends supporting me so that I don't lose my balance and fall... Yeah, I think I can do this... I can stretch... with the help of my friends, who wants for me what I want... my support... it's solid and it's time I trusted them enough to support me... and even to do that... it requires me to ... yep... stretch... so... here goes...

Words...

Words can make or break your day, your mood, and even at times direct your life. They are powerful and the size of the word doesn't seem to matter regarding the impact of the word. And though words are powerful, what may be equally as powerful is the intent behind a well placed word. Within the last couple of days I have had the most beautiful words spoken to me... Words that are full of compassion, empathy, and understanding. Words that are uplifting and encouraging. Words that make me stop and take pause... words.

This evening my housemate said to me, in so many words, that a great man will find me and that when he does he'll make up for each year that I have I spent without. Now, I'm paraphrasing but the intent behind his words were simply to encourage me. However, it was packeged so very sweetly. Earlier in the week a person unknown to me uttered something along the same lines. Now the unknown person was compassionately responding to something that I had written for all the world to see... However, the housemate was simply responding to my statement of how long it had been since I was in a serious relationship. The thought behind his words were nice.

As much as I believe I'm content there is a part of me that longs to be in relationship with my own true love. I don't desire to get a man just so that I'll have one. I don't desire to just get married to say that I am. I am not sitting back not living life as if it can only be fully lived after love finds me. I truly love and adore me! I love my life as is, now... so I'm not looking to be fulfilled by any man. God is the only one who can fulfill me. Yet, God knows that He created us to be in relationship with others. So, the words that these two men have spoken to me have touched me and served as an encouragement to me. It reminds me that God hears me and that He'll use those in my environment to speak to me when I'm afraid to speak to Him myself because I may be afriad of what it is that He has to say. God is truly the lover of my soul.

Summer's Here

Hey all,

Summer is upon us and I have yet to really be able to enjoy it fully. I've had times here and there but in between bouts of summer school my breaks are just that... time to rest. Next week I have my final summer school stint of classes and then I'll be able to rest for approximately 2 weeks before my internship begins.

My last summer school session was at the school's summer camp. I must admit it was a refreshing way to take summer courses. Within that week I took two 1-credit hour courses. In addition to school I added more points to my adventure scale! I kayaked and rode a hourse!!! First of all, kayaking is SO MUCH FUN!!! If I knew how to swim I'd definitely do MUCH more of that! My professor and another friend completely upped my comfort level. I also canoed (that hurt my little arms so much but if I keep that up I'll be buff ). I needed a new experience of a pleasant horsebike ride and Sebu (the horse) definitely gave me that! However...

...more than that was my reflective time I had. We arrived on Saturday, Sunday Morning during our service time we watched a video on 'Listening Prayer.' I had plenty of time over the course of the week to steal away and reflect, read God's word, and admire his awesome creations all around me (all except the bugs )... I negelected to get a picture of me (as instructed) laying in a hammock... It was so peaceful.... but so was sitting by the lake... and taking a quick nap in the lodge looking room. I noticed how hard it was for me to just... be. I couldn't use my phone, and that only bothered me on my way to and from somewhere (normally that is when I call people).


The first couple of days I was comfortable being still... but after that I became restless. I had a God encounter and I think in some ways I began running from His voice... I wasn't so interested in being around people as much as I was just running from my reflection time... It seems that I keep running from it. I don't really know why... I keep asking myself why and God too... In any case during that first set aside reflection time where I set aside time to be still God spoke to me through His word and as excited as I was about it... it also scared me... obviously it scared me because I've been avoiding Him on some level ever since... Sure, I'll walk and talk with Him... but sitting down and being still, awaiting His voice... it's as if I'm afraid of what He has to say to me... maybe I'm expecting Him to say I've disappointed Him... maybe I'm expecting him to tell me I'm destined to a life of singlehood... I don't really know... Maybe I need to stop running and instead of attempting to read God's mind... allow Him to tell me what's on His mind.

Does that sound like any of you? Are you a sure fire child of God and yet you're running... from what you don't even know? Take it from me... it's real tiring. If this sounds like you, join me in stopping. Stopping and standing still so that I can hear what my loving Father has to say to me... Don't allow your fears of disappointment or failure (over no one big thing either - just not doing all that you know you can/have/should/ or even could) to stop you from listening to Daddy. Talking to Him is great but stop, we need to hear everything that He has to say.

Transparently lovin' ya lots

The Payoff...

You know, they say you appreciate something more the harder you work for it... so I am grateful that through the blood, sweat and tears there was a payoff... recognition that they also saw my hardwork... Sometimes we may think that we are working hard but in all actuality we're not... we may think that we are living up to our full potential, but we're not... but this semester I worked hard... Emotionally, mentally, and physically... it was a tough semester - (sidebar: doesn't it seem like the word should be spelled "tuff" LOL! ;) ) Anyway... back to the payoff, I am happy to report to my loyal readers that I received my grades. I earned 4 A's and 1 A- ... now... I do want to argue about the A- but obviously the professor felt that I earned the "-" and truly I'm okay with that... I put in A effort and knowing that I did my best I'm satisfied.

Looking back I came to a realization... they really pushed us this semester... opened up old wounds and created new ones... they pushed us mentally... they exposed us to the depths of who we are, who God created us to be... how we were shaped, formed, and influenced... Family patterns, personality style, coping mechanisms, etc... you name it, we discovered and uncovered it. You know, I was skeptical when they said that a person can only accept so much feedback before it becomes overwhelming. I didn't believe them... well they made a believer out of me! So, anyway, the realization... I was thinking last week on how hard they pushed us, how they ripped us open and while we were in the midst (some of us) of information overload and thinking we were near mental breakdown... they never let up on the academic side... we had clients and all... all I could think was they worked us that hard in an overwhelmed state and they kept piling it on and expecting more... But last week it dawned on me, what a better way to prepare me for the real world! In real life when I'm practicing my life won't always be easy, things won't always be going well and certainly times will come when I'm feeling overwhelmed and I must continue... continue to function and help my clients through their hard times... I need to stay focused on the tasks at hand and deal with my issues seperately... so this past semester was a wake up call of sorts... because in the midst of client reports and academics, I had to deal with that and myself... and while dealing with my clients they were who I was focused on... but afterwards I had to take time for me... I had to at times reach out and seek support as help for me... being a helper generally you're not the person seeking help... but that was a lesson that I have learned... that it is okay to be strong and help others... that I am no less strong if I too seek help. A house is supported by a foundation and without that foundational support the house, though strong, would fall or sink...

So my nugget of wisdom that I am passing on to you all... Don't be afraid to ask for help, don't be embarrassed, find someone who is qualified to help you. Sometimes you need more than aunt Sally... sometimes you need a professional, and that is okay... that is why they are there. Jesus was called counselor... we, as the body of Christ, at times neglect ourselves in the name of "being spiritual" Jesus was our example... and He has called me, along with so many others, to go forth and be counselors... So no, this is not a "public service announcement" this is simple education... there are things that happen in our lives where we need help and we would be better helped by a trained professional... it makes it easier... I've been the other route and yes the pain that I suffered taught me something and helped make me into who I am... but some of the things I did... I could have been me without it... I, trying to fix myself, caused myself unnecessary heartache... learn from me. The route I took comes with hard defenses... that's what keeps you standing but it's not necessary to walk around/through life with them intact all day everyday...

I thank GOD for the semester that I just MADE IT through... it taught me about me... and those are hard lessons to learn... we pray "Lord turn the mirror on me" but how many of us actually stand there in look in the mirror past the first glance. Honestly, I am grateful that I surrounded by a team of Godly counselors, that were there for me... I believe it made all the difference... What will be your payoff if/when you have someone walk you to the mirror and stand there with you and support you in what you see? ... Don't be discouraged or afraid... it's not all bad... but there is bad there. It's easier or safer (for us, so we think)... to focus on the good in us and the "little" bad things... but we can be better people if we are also aware of the "really" bad because we can better control it or remove it...

I hadn't typed anything deep or long in such a while that I figured I'd lay it out there... exactly what I'm feeling and where I'm at at the moment.

'Til next time...

End of the Tunnel...

I made it!!! I made it!!! I made it to the light at the end of the tunnel! I must say that I am completely excited! I had no idea I would be this happy when I turned in my final projects!!! I have officially completed my first year of grad school!!! :)

Ahem... stepping up to the podium...

Oh my... it was so unexpected... I didn't even prepare a speech... Well, first I'd like to thank all of the little people that I stepped on to get here...

LOL! Summer school begins in 10 days but I refuse to think about that... I'm just going to rejoice in the fact that I don't have school next week.

That's all I have to say about that.... Forrest Gump

The Pressure Cooker

Well, the pressure is completely on. My final is in the morning and I must say that at this point I'm not prepared but I'm in the process of working on my client report. This report is SUCH a burden on my shoulder. I am probably 1/3 way through it and when I'm done I'm moving on to study for the final tomorrow morning. THEN, I have a meeting with one of our in class supervisors for the assessment class (We really need a lot of help for this class) and then I have the rest of that day to write my psychodynamic paper. When that is finished (due Thursday) I have the rest of that day and up until 4pm the next to finish my family systems paper. *faint* Oops I forgot I have a Integration Paper due also on Friday... *double faint*

On the plus side, I got some very affirming news today. I can't really share it on this public space however, I can say that it came from one of my professors and it affirmed me in the giftings that God has given me and how they are pleased with and for me!

I was also encouraged to apply for a T.A. position next fall as they think that I have great leadership & teaching skills. I'm a bit stunned by all of the good, inspiring feedback. So... I now have a mentor (as of last week) and I'm happy about that and she encouraged me to pursue a doctorate as she believes I’m well prepared and told me that I have their full support in helping me attain that goal if I'm interested (told to me last week). All I could say today however after the impromptu meeting with my prof was "wow." He made me sit in it for 15 minutes LOL! I couldn't leave his office before then.

It is truly amazing how God works things and how he works them out. I simply feel blessed and grateful for all of it... all that I've been through and endured... all that I've learned about me this semester and I know that I'll be a good clinician mainly because God is always leading me and due to the examples of Godly clinicians that he has set in front of me to train me is... well... hmmm... to whom much is given, much is required. Much will be required of me and I believe that I'll be well prepared to rise to the call because right now much is being given to me... nothing materialistic could compare to all that I have received thus far in this MA program. "Trust the process" is more than just a phrase that they use, its an absolute truth that we must live by in this program but the process does work... even when we think that the process is evil.

Catch Time

Time is FLYING by! I have SO much due within the next three weeks that I don't know how I'm going to get it all done. As it is I feel like I have way too much on my mind... So... maybe if I type it out I can work it out... maybe not... maybe I really need to pray... for real... maybe God is saying come to me and tell me about it for real... spend some time with me... If that is what He is saying I don't know what is holding me back... I just don't really know.

New Dawning

Okay... so I manage to post every couple of months... but no one is reading it anyway... so I guess it doesn't matter. I've been doing some personal growing... and that is hard... but on the othr side of life lessons is growth... growth is good. So its a new dawning, a dawning of an improved me... hopefully I'll take the bitter pill and it produce something sweet.

There's another new dawning on the horizon... but it seems that the new dawning came after the sun went down on the other horizon... even though the sun went down a while ago... it seems like yesterday upon learning new things...

It's a brand new dawning...

This Time Around...

Okay, so its the beginning of a new semester and I'm feeling a bit intimidated at the amount of work that is before me... I had a hard time getting into my account because it seems that I misspelled my own name ... now I just need to remember that and I'll be able to get back on... too much to do to chat though...

Stressed!

Okay... one more week to go... one more class... 2 final exams and 4.75 papers stand in between me and the completeion of my first semester of grad school! *faint* I have a BIG deadline to meet for one paper (which is due tomorrow and not started... I'm still trying to find a title... well I think I do have a title BUT no running head..." Good thing about this paper its a thought paper... however... I don't know what to think about it ;)

I'm looking SO forward to a break! My brain refuses to work and I really need it to for another week! So... just kinda updating and letting it out... holla back!

Just Mad

You know... I haven't updated in a long while... in part because though life is happening and I'm having fun. I'm overwhelmed because life is happening. I have papers to do and due and I'm tired and can't seem to soak up enough rest... but what lead me to post tonight is the anger I feel. I am DARN angry and there isn't much I can do about it... but be angry.

I was watching the video of Michael "Kramer" Richards and I am SO mad! Disappointment is an understatement but what pisses me off is the fact that during his "apology" that I have a hard time buying was his excuse that "he was being heckled..." excuse me!!! It brings to mind a comment my cousin made about what people say when you aren't in the room. It's sad and I don't know why I'm even typing how I feel here but I am... and I'm aggravated and I want to slam my foot in his face. But worse is the underlying... the fact that he says he's not a racist... how many people think they aren't racists... Do people have to get really upset at someone of a different ethnicity to test their "racistability?" Its amazingly sad... that's what I think I feel more than the anger, more than the hurt... simply sad. And I'm a Christian, I'm supposed to forgive and yet even though he wasn't talking to me... he was... and it hurts and it makes me mad. So very very mad. Madder still that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Madder still that this will further divide all that I try to bring together because the argument will be "just keep living"... one famous fool has done a lot of damage.

Racism is alive and well and I never for one moment thought that it died. But when when one fool acts a fool then another fool thinks its okay for them to be a fool or retaliate... when what we really REALLY need to do is remember the golden rule. It sounds contrite but I don't mean it to be. I could get mad and assume that all people everywhere are racist but what will that profit me? Absolutely nothing because what I happen to know for a fact is that everyone is not a racist. There may be some white racists, black racists, latino racists, asian racists but the fact of the matter is when we become Christians we take off well we're supposed to the old man and put on the new. That new man can't be a racist, period. Why? Because our Lord and Savior isn't a racist. Instead of getting our cues from sinners that are lost and being manipulated by the enemy why don't we stand firm even now and show everyone we know what being a Christian really means... even if for me it means letting go of the anger, forgiving that man and his hateful, abhorrent words, and praying for him. Praying that God will help him. Praying that the same Savior who cleaned me up will do the same for him.

Matthew 5:16 Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.

Triumphant Tuesday!

Hey readers and passerbyer's is that really a word??? I had a good day today. We have group and lab today and it was my day to be the counselor in lab. Afterwards during the feedback session I was told that I did a good job and even got a high five from the TA regarding my summary. It was really good because I was consciously thinking of all of the "rules" that we've learned thus far and attempting to put them into practice so to do so and be told that it was good felt really good. I'm sure days will come when my feedback will be more critical and that's fine because that's how we learn but in this moment the positive feedback was really wonderful! :)
In group each session was good too. We're leaving the surface stuff and starting to get deep. I like my group we have a good cohesiveness.

That's all I had to report :)

C'ya next time...

Time keeps on movin'...

Hey all!

Life is going great here on campus. I'm still trying to manage coming in here and updating ya'll... What if I did 1 a week... maybe I can keep up with that ;)

Anywho... Life here is great! Really! Like right now... I should be studying... I've cut off the tv, got online to check my school email and... yeah... I'm typing this message. In all fairness the server must be having a moment because it won't allow me to finish checking my email. No matter what and I can't go anywhere else on the site so I think its not me ;)

I have SOOOO much reading to do and the professors are telling us that we have to learn how to skim and extract what's needed... Well... I'm having trouble with that. I don't quite know how to do that and the 2nd years are telling me if I don't I'll be overwhelmed and spend way too much time trying to carefully read it all. So.... can anyone offer me any tips??? I certainly need them!!!

I think I'm going to take my camera to school next week and take pictures of my fellow classmates and also of my new friends in the 2nd year. We are like walking posters for diversity. It really makes me do a lot of reflecting on our culture and the cultures of others who also are believers. There is such a vast difference in everything including styles of worship and it truly is wonderful. We love this intergration and often remark that this must be a bit of what heaven will be like. Just hearing everyone else's viewpoint and knowing that I'm not the only person that is "right."

There is (of course) a lot of discussion (even a class just TO discuss it) regarding the integration of Christianity and Psychology and the reasons that people, either fellow Christians or psychologists who don't believe that the two should merge. However on those two opposite sides of the coin there are points all along the line toward each end. What we learned today was the actual part of it that people have a problem with. I think that depending on the view of the psychologist/therapist is where there can be problems. What I find truly amazing is the people that say that the field of psychology is not necessary. That as long as we have the Holy Spirit we can and will be fine. Well... I agree, in part. With the Holy Spirit we can be fine, however... God uses people. If you don't believe me next time you have a heart attack, you need stitches, etc... be sure to pray about it and go to bed. That is crazy right? Not because we shouldn't pray... BY ALL MEANS PRAY!!! However, don't discount that God has not set a person in place to help you. You won't go to "Aunt Sally" to sew up your arm nor will you trust Uncle Jack to perform your open heart surgery.

I know, you think I'm being extreme... talking all medical... but the fact is that psychologists, therapists, psychiatrists are all trained to sew up, medicate, alleviate the pains in the mind and spirit while the medical doctor is trained to sew up, medicate and alleviate the pains in body. There are major and minor differences in the psychiatrists and psychologists however that isn't what this post is about. Its about christians being open to the fact that God has people out there that are trained to help you understanding that there is a natural as well as spiritual side to many issues that people are dealing with. With anything else in life you must use discernment. Not just any counselor/therapist is right for you. Their core beliefs make a huge difference in how they help you. The "fit" of you and the counselor is important, the competency of the counselor is important. But in my opinion, a non-Christian medical doctor who excelled in school can diagnose and/or help me. However, if I knew in advance that my doctor was a fellow believer in Christ who prayed for me, prayed for direction, prayed for discernment, prayed for assistance... prayed!!!... to the ONE true and living God on my behalf... WOW! It is a difference. That saved doctor has hope with you when you're believing God for healing from cancer, that saved doctor is interceding for you, that saved doctor is seeking divine intervention... Tell me it doesn't make a difference and that's fine but I'll take a brother or sister in Christ on my behalf anyday! Why??? Can how can two walk together unless they agree. I know that they will have a higher standard of care than any law or ethics code.

Anyway, it's very awesome to be taught psychology, regular psychology, understanding the different theology's and how they apply to my life. Its like picking apple's... take the good one's and throw out the bad. :) Starting each class with prayer and devotion. Having chapel in the middle of the day as a refueler to keep us going... its some kinda wonderful ;)

Finally, I am learning a lot about the basics and very aware of how good my professors are and how incompetent I will feel when they send me out to my internship to see my first client. They even tell us that we'll feel that way and the 2nd years are validating that. But what I rest in is the confidence of the faculty. They are assured that though we don't "feel" ready we will be ready. Sort of like how we don't feel like we're ready to be parents when that newborn baby arrives but when it does we kick right into gear. Yeah, we make a few mistakes but we keep at it. We may not feel like we heard God... we may not feel like He told us to take that next step... but when we do... as scary as it may seem... when we look up we're moving forward. Following that path called destiny.

Proverbs 16:9: The mind of man plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps. (NASB)

Psalm 37:23: The steps of a man are established by the LORD, And He delights in his way. (NASB) The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way. (KJV)

How's the Weather...

I've been under the weather for the past couple of days. I seemed to have caught some type of cold. All that remains now is a cough, a weird voice and a little sourness in the throat... when talking too much ;) LOL! We had our first group therapy lab today and our 1st group therapy practice session... it was cool. The first ceremonial tears were cried today but not by me. I couldn't think of a thing to talk about LOL!

Should be reading or working but I don't feel like it. I've watched a movie which was really good... someone may be interested in seeing it. It's called In Her Shoes. Anyway, I've been online a while and haven't really been productive so maybe I'll do a little work... gotta go to classes tomorrow.

and God said...

So today we began classes and in our first class of the day is one where we learn in depth more about a certain type of counseling. So in the beginning of this class we discuss theory and theology and in the 2nd half we role-play. Today we role played with the professor being the therapist what an initial counseling session looks like. I volunteered to be the 1st patient. I've never ever been to therapy though I've had reason in my life to go. The professor told me to come up with something real (class is consistently with the same people with the same confidentiality understandings) as to better relate and help us. The professor, who I'll refer to as Dr.Z, stated that we will do a lot of self-evaluation and this will be a year that is all about us.. going very deep within and getting to our core... who we are, what we believe, tearing away layers of issues that we may not even be aware are there... so here I am... in front of the class sitting next to Dr.Z and trying to come up with something that I feel comfortable discussing right away... Good thing I'm not shy.. I jumped right on in... I brought up my being able to put people on a shelf after having been hurt by them... and we explored that a bit... some things at this point I'm not even sure I'm comfortable sharing simply because (a)I don't want to hurt anyone (b) expose anyone, (c) have anyone feel that "she's talking about me" when I very well could not be. Also, we're going to get real personal so outside of me sharing I guess my feelings... I have to see how comfortable I am sharing that... time will tell... I will say this, in a short 15 minutes in class... in the example and the gentle, careful, trained direction of Dr.Z she already has me considering a bigger question. Question being am I really strong or am I avoiding in areas... I seriously have to consider this. If you do know me you may or may not know that I have dealt with and yes I will say dealt with some very hard things and I have found ways to deal with them. Some by simply "putting it on the shelf" as I call it which could be avoidance... I have to think about that... or actual strength to protect myself when I feel it necessary or both depending on the situation... I'm very interested in pursuing that further. Dr.Z and my cohort partners were very proud of me for being so "brave" as they put it... but my thought is... if I'm going to get wet I may as well dive in, and I did. However, I won't discount the fact (and neither will they) that the Holy Spirit has helped me process and get through some things. Dr.Z told that class that I have previously already done good work... implying in some way that I had worked on myself. I've never been to counseling but I know without a shadow of a doubt that some things I took directly to God because I couldn't handle them and He helped me. We are given free therapy (individual) at school I may go... one of my colleagues told me that she thinks I should go if for no other reason than to understand what our clients will feel like... I thought that was a good idea when she said it... so I'll see. Till next time... I have a very busy weekend ahead... I probably won't post before next week after this one.

In the Beginning...

I had orientation on Monday and it was a loooooooooong day. We started out having a group orientation with all of the graduates and then we broke off into departmental meetings. In the meetings we introduced ourselves and met the faculty and were informed of the overview of our program, dismissed to registration and administrative related things. I bought my books and to my dismay my 5 classes came with 12 books! Now obviously to some that is no big deal... but to me... that is totally new. Later that evening we, the 1st year students were given a party by the 2nd years. The get-together was so much fun. We socialized for a while and ate and then we played ice-breaker name remembering type games and then some fun stuff and finally broke to again socialize. I met a lot of very interesting people from all over. Diversity is so prevalent in our school. My cohort represents the U.S., Peru, Columbia, Kenya, Korea, Philippine, & Malaysia. Within the U.S. we represent IN, IL, CA, MA, MI, GA, AL, AZ, TN, NC, WI, & MN. Talk about culture shock! LOL! It’s great because we have the chance to learn SO much more than "our way" of worshipping and just totally different experiences. At the party I had the chance to talk to so many wonderful 2nd years that gave us advice and "what to expect" type of talks. More than anything you see the love in Christ burning within. Consistently what I heard (from both men and women) that I was going to cry like I've never cried before, that I am going to be challenged to the very depths of my faith and being, that I will NOT be able to handle it on my own BUT that the faculty and 2nd years are there to support us in this first year where we'll be totally torn down for lack of a better term. It caused a fear to arise in quite a few of us and then the thought came to me. If He can bring us to it, He can bring us through it! If suffering or sacrifice for a small season will get me to the place in Christ where He desires me to be and knowing that He won't leave me alone and that I can do all things through Him... who am I to tell God that I can't handle it... am I calling Him a liar... Obviously I can handle it because He's put me in position, directly in place to handle it! What a mighty, awesome God! So as we walked back to campus to our cars after leaving the party my colleague was anxious and afraid that she may not be able to handle it due to her children and not wanting to be emotionally unavailable for them. Its amazing the words God can give us to encourage one another... but the bottom line. We've been "stressed" about one aspect or another since we met back in November last year... so why is suddenly we can't make it through this patch... Of course I'm strong now... but I'm sure my time will come when I'll be the one needing the encouraging but that is what I told her. God created us for such a time as this... to be here together to encourage one another because my experience wouldn't be the same without her and vice versa. God always gives us what we need. He always makes provisions for us... why? Because He has already walked out our steps and He knows what we have need of even before we ask. A lot of the things we discuss will be confidential so unless I'm divulging on my own awareness’s I won't be talking about other people too often and if I do mention anything it won't be revealing in anyway of who they really are... Mary this day may be Martha the next... so even if you know me... that's all you'll know from my postings... and with that I'll end this post.

Time Flies...

Well... its been forever since I last posted but I promise to myself that I'm really going to post while in school... and that time is almost here so I'm okay. I had to take to intensive weeklong courses and I passed both of them! I'm so excited! School begins next week and I move tomorrow. Of course I haven't packed yet... that'd be too much like right... so anyway...

I've had my Godchildren for the past 2 days... it shows me that I sure wouldn't want to have to go at it alone... I can barely focus because this one needs me or that one needs me or the little one just wants attention that I'm SO very glad to give her... however... its not always convenient LOL! As if in this busy life there is every time... we have to make it. But I appreciate my Godchildren... the little ones that allow me to love on them all that I desire, the ones that soak it up and give it back doublefold. My little 3 year old Goddaughter is so sweet... she like to talk... but she's sweet as she can be. I've had more kisses and hugs these past two days then I've had all month long! LOL! It's been great. She likes calling me.. for absolutely nothing... but she calls... and each time... I answer her... sometimes I even request a hug and a kiss after the 25th time she's called my name. Adorable is the best word... and she uses adorable by the way... correctly in a sentence... She's only 3!!! *faint*... My Godson is getting so big... I still remember the day he was born. He was sooooo cute! I had him mostly on weekends... yep from birth. His mom's position is I need to learn just as well as she because if anything were to happen (God forbid) I need to know too... she didn't do as some mothers have done.. allowed me to see the baby for the first few months at her house... It sure was a wake up call... I can honestly remember barely sleeping... checking him to see if he was still breathing... now... he's 10. A big boy... he still loves all things wrestling but now he wants to be a chef and a NFL player... I'll see what he wants to do 10 years from now... I'll still be here if the good Lord hasn't taken us home... Those are my babies... and though I didn't birth them... you can't tell my heart that... I love them so much... by the time I have children ... their Godbrother and sister will be big enough to spend their quality time with them as I have spent with them.

Also... in dealing with them I really appreciate all that my Godmother was and is to me. It simply makes her day now when I call her. *smile* Her grown Goddaughter still calling... still setting aside the most enduring place in her heart right there beside my parents... is my Godmother.

Been a Long Time

Wow... I haven't checked in in a long while. I've been cleaning and organizing and ran across a photo album from around 1997/98 and in it were pictures of my Godson when he was a few months old... it was one of my favorite pictures - one of them - and I have that one enlarged but packed away. He was so handsome. I love that little boy. I saw pictures of my college friends, merged with my neighborhood friends (all grown up) merged with my high school best friend, merged... merged. I'm very blessed.

There were other pictures... pictures of two of my ex's which by the way were quite cute. I was able to just look at their pictures... and remember a different time. As I continue to get older and look back I can see my life... my memories. Regret is such a word... I don't know if I live with regrets because though nothing was perfect and I didn't behave "perfectly" and neither was I perfect... I wasn't supposed to be... I was me. Living every moment. Loving some of them and hating others but they are my memories... it was my life. I thank God for my life; past present & future. Life continues... I continue to make memories and 10 or so years from now I'll look back on the pictures from this time and cherish those memories.

So Thankful

Another long boring week in soon to be X-workland is almost coming to a close... I can hardly wait... I won't miss the paychecks though!


So here is a little random ramble...

I received a wonderful report from my doctors.. all tests came back in range, normal or negative. I'm ready to mail my health forms off and the countdown is on. I've delved into the "New Testament Survey" book and I'm on Chapter 2... I took so many notes my brain got tired... I must say that its interesting reading... just funny things I'm noticing... but good Lord... I have only just begun but it seems that the pages aren't stacking up yet to be dwindling down...


I have a wedding this weekend in Michigan City Indiana which is far from me... but hey... its work... I just spoke to the coordinator a little bit ago... seems real nice. Thankfully the entire event (wedding and Reception) is taking place in 1 venue... Its supposed to be a lovely day tomorrow also... no rain in the forecast... Though I must admit I didn't check for Indiana...

I testified Sunday before last that true healing and thankfullness comes when you can look back at an extremely hard time and thank God for it. For what it taught you, for the people that were instrumental in your growth and knowing that everything you went through led you right to the point you're at right now, today. I was thankful of my relationship with my ex-fiance, my move to Florida and subsequently my move back home. Because all of that that I went through, not that it was all bad because it wasn't. But just the fact that I left... moved me from my job into this job, which taught me and further showed me that what I was doing wasn't enough... it wasn't what He desired for me. That when I moved and left my family and all that I knew... that he He truly means He'll never leave me nor forsake me because that was a truly hard time and I had no one to call my very own with me during that time... God had people right there in place loving me and supporting ME! I can honestly say I thank God for the whole of it. I learned more about me and God... I watched me in that situation... I stayed true to who I was and who I am in God and know that I can stand and I mean truly stand on His very word and KNOW that He is God and that ALL things work together for my good and that I am precious to Him and that I matter. We matter. Praise God... He cares so much for us that even in the trials that we fuss and complain about He is steadily guiding us, leading us and teaching us... and instead of recognizing it as growth and love... we complain. When will we learn to thank him not only IN it but FOR it... because coming THROUGH it is what brings us to who we are today in Him.

Falling Into Place

I haven't posted in a loooong while and this post will be a short one tonight as its already WAY after my bed time. I have secured my residence for the next year and I must say I'm very pleased with it. My GRE exam is Monday and then I'm just preparing for the intensive courses that I'm taking this summer.

All is falling into place and God is setting me up for this next season... Yep... it's all falling into place.

Stuck

The title describes how I feel right now. I have so much to do yet I can't seem to get any of it done. I haven't really studied for this GRE well enough to at this point to have made a difference. I have about 2 1/2 weeks left of preparation time. Is it realistic to think that I'll learn approx 400 "normal" GRE vocabulary words, get the "process" down and also brush up, re-learn, whatever... to get a good score???

Stuck... that's how I feel. I'm working at work attempting to do a good job because I don't want to leave it in shambles... I want to leave it for the person how I would want it to be left for me... in order. So... I should be editing pictures and since I was unable to for the last few days you'd think that I'd have spent that time wisely studying... but I can't because more than stuck.. I feel tired... like I just can't get enough rest... oh well...

Epiphany's

I've come to some serious decisions in my life. After going through my past relationship and seeing a few others... I've come to a serious conclusion regarding my dating life... part of which I finished coming to this afternoon driving home... When I meet someone that has that potential to "be the one"... I don't want us to straight out date for anytime less than a year... (this is not a dating plan for others just me)... I want to completely be over and out of the "infatuation" stage and into the "back to normal" life and I'm doing my thing and he's a part of my life and he's doing his thing and I'm a part of his... but seperate... and then work on our relationship as we go... not thinking about a pending or upcoming marriage... what I have found (and its first hand) when the "marriage" situation presents itself it seems that all else goes out the door... especially dealing with harsh realities because you want nothing to "get in the way" of the pending nuptuals... well... been there and done that...

I've also come to another realization... if it was meant for me to have experienced motherhood at this stage in my life I would have, simple as that... seeing as how I am not a virgin and wasn't always saved and have never had an abortion but will and can admit that I wasn't always the "most careful" if that was my destiny it would have happened... and if God has or had managed to keep me from bearing children prior to my salvation and celibate life then its no mistake that I am still without child at this point. With my upcoming schooling I really want my focus to be getting through that without "rushing" or other major concerns, like a baby, a wedding, etc... I can most definitely meet someone and he become quite meaningful however I want don't want to focus on "being married" to whomever comes along but simply living life and if that's the way we're destined to go... we will... This probably makes no sense but it is so very clear to me... My life has direction (not that it hasn't in the past) and though I'm not all knowing and don't know what is ahead I can make some hard decisions... I can decide to focus on my grad school career and allow that to be my primary focus (outside of God) and if a man does come into my life that he'll do nothing but support me and push me forward... but not distract me... because if he is for me... then there really is no hurry. Because as far as the biological clock is concerned... it was ticking when I wasn't looking to have children but doing everything to make one... kwim? So I'll give that completely now to God and do what I know I'm to do and leave my future where I'd already claimed I had... in His hands...

Nothing New

Nothing new going on. Life is super busy at the moment with new things constantly being introduced. I'm in an overwhelmed state... I have been studying on my lunch breaks and reading and it all boils down to one more class and then 3 finals and 1 paper due. I'm super tired... I haven't begun the paper but I'm not really worried about it.

The time is fast approaching for me to give my job my notice of terminating my employment all the while adding up the figures of how much I need to attain to accomplish my upcoming financial goals... you know... the front money... I got some front money that I need to come through but I'm not going to stress becuase if God has shown me nothing else its that He always gives me what I need when I need it... I don't need it today and that's probably why I don't have it.

Too tired to write anymore... energy is to come I guess...

Long Days, Long Nights

Of all days in life... this is one where I'm happy that I created this blog. Today was a very hard day at work and I can say with all certainty that I have never experienced what I experienced today. I'm not even sure if words can describe what happened. And actually to be more accurate I could start with yesterday because it was like a domino affect and if you want to be more truthful still I could continue to go back but lets just suffice it to say that I have had a rough 24 hours...

I think I will back up to yesterday. I had a pretty much normal day at work... very busy though I saw a lot of clients in the office and did a few home visits before heading back to the office where I saw a couple more... Anyway at about 3pm one of my clients came in that hadn't been in the office in a little while but she looked mad... and I asked her what was wrong in passing as I had another client in my office and she simply sad I'm having a bad time right now. I told her when she's done come on in my office and we'd talk. That talk lasted for 2 hours and 15 minutes to be exact. I had calss that two more clients were in the office... my phone was ringing off the hook... yet, I couldn't leave her. I couldn't. The client yesterday had just lost her mom 7 days prior. She is 23 years old. At 33 I can't nor do I desire to attempt to try to imagine my mom not being there... I don't want the very thought. Could I make it? Of course but only by the very grace and help of God my Father. So anyway, she talked and cried and talked and told me her story... her mom had cancer last year but told her that she beat the cancer. Told her that she was fine. The daughter was doing her thing.. working, half-living with her boyfriend and just doing her. On her birthday last month her mom called her and told her that she needed for her to take her to the hospital and she did. That's when she found out that her mother had lied to her. Not only did she have cancer, she never finished her treatments... She was hurt but she said she did what she had to do to care for her mom. The day her mom died she was at her boyfriends house trying to take a nap and her mom had managed to get up, make it to the door and tell neighbors to call 911. Again, she was hurt because her mom didn't call her. She never saw her mom alive again. She was just at her mom's/her place the night before bringing her some food. Little did she know that would be the very last time she saw her alive.

So there I sat, attempting to comfort someone with no hope... and what could I really say??? Right, nothing. I was there for her. Trying to help her combat the guilt, trying to help her ease the pain... On top of that at the repast the landlord told her that she would have to vacate the apartment and the boyfriends mom said well you can't stay here... now she'd been staying there and it was no problem but right when she has no hope, no home and no mom... you put her out... What kind of world do we really live in??? So I couldn't possibly turn my back on her... Somebody needed to represent... Christ. So I did all that I could do. I loved on her and comforted her and allowed her to vent out her frustrations to cry out her anger and pain...

I talked to her boyfriend... I talked about God... When she left me she had a spark of hope in her eyes that wasn't there when she arrived and she couldn't stop thanking me for being kind. Saying things like, "wow, there are people out here that care about you that don't really know you." So I have someone working on finding her her own place and I have a grief counselor to refer her too... but I couldn't deal with any of that today... I had bigger fish to fry...

I almost want to continue this in another post but that would make it come 1st in order of viewing... so ... I'll keep going... I left work yesterday and went straight to school... when I got in I was simply drained (I camr off of a very long weekend) and I crashed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I awoke this morning got ready for work and headed out... almost at the office my work cell phone rings and its a co-worker with some devestating news. One of our mutual pregnant clients (18 years old) had just been informed by the doctor that her 23 week old pregnancy was going to have to come to an end, that she would have to deliver the baby but when she did it wouldn't make it. Her mom was stuck at home and she was at the hospital alone dealing with that news that literally came out of nowhere because up until that point she'd received nothing but "good" news from her prior doctors. I've only seen this client maybe 3 times prior but its something about me that my clients simply love me and draw to me... I'm thankful.

I arrived at the hospital, my co-worker and myself and she's ... relieved... relieved to not have to bear this burden alone. Relief is the word I chose because... how could she be "happy" at a time like this? So what did I do? I smiled at my client, one of those... I know you don't have to say a word type smiles and asked her how she was doing ... she tried to "small chat" it out but couldn't make it and crumbled... I got in that bed alongside her and just hugged her. She cried... and my co-worker (her Doula) was there and we just let her cry it. She eventually stopped and started to tell us the unfolding drama. My client had been bleeding and I had told her on our first meeting different warning signs that meant "go straight to the hospital, not call the doctor" and she was bleeding and went to the doctor. The saw nothing wrong with her or the baby, scheduled an ultra-sound and sent her home. She had the ultra-sound... same news. Baby fine. She has an appointment checked out by the midwife, everything is fine. She's still bleeding she goes back to the hospital and they send her home. She has another appointment, same thing... she finally has an appointment with the doctor. The doctor checks her. See's the problem, go into "doctor language" with the nurse and sends her home telling her to come back on Monday for another ultrasound. She does and they won't see her (suddenly - some crap excuse). She goes home, still bleeding and her mom after some excessive bleeding rushes her to a different hospital, well known for high-risk patients and within 5 minutes they tell her that her baby has no amniotic fluid in the sac. That they don't know if it slowly leaked or if it was ever there etc. The are stunned when they find out that she has had consistent prenatal care and even more stunned that she saw a doctor this week that sent her home because as they stated that there was no way the doctor didn't know. Anywho, the news gets worse. They are going to have to take the baby and if the baby does live (10% chance) it will have sever issues as everything is under-developed and the infant weighed only a little over 1 pound. So this is the background.

We're in the room and the hospital social worker comes inand she begins to ask her about "arrangements" and things available to her and options open to her regarding her baby. She absolutely lost it. I have never ever seen someone teeter that close to the edge of sanity and insanity. We were there but ... its indescribable to decribe how she reacted... the things she began to say as the realities hit her. It was like she was leaving her and coming back... talking to us then talking to the baby then talking to herself??? It was so very very hard to sit there and watch it but God is awesome in that he gives us strength for the tasks at hand. My co-worker left the room a few times. But it was fine... She calmed and then started again and then she out of the blue asked us to pray and they asked me to pray so I did. Of course you have no idea what to say... but the Holy Ghost is real and He will lead and guide you... so after I finished sort of under my breath I just kept asking God to give her peace and rest. She calmed a lot and eventually I left, left my co-worker there because while it is her job to be there, I came purely to support her but I had to get back to the office. I did offer to pick up her mom and bring her back because she had no way to get there and her daughter needed her and wouldn't begin "the process" until she arrived.So I picked her up and supported her on the way and after dropping her off and driving back once again to the office I was left to process all that I'd been through... it was approximately 3pm and I'd been with her since approx 9am.

So... I went in talked to my boss and a few others and left at 4pm to head to school because I had a quiz that I wasn't prepared for. In class some chick said something in class that aggravated me and I sorta snapped... It was then I realized that my emotions were still reeling... I prayed and attempted to calm my self. After school I called my co-worker to see how she was doing. She was on her way home when she called me back and told me that she delivered the baby at about 7pm and that she was the one to take control and just the toll it took on her and how about 4 blocks after she left the hospital she had a melt-down... It was such a stressful situation and as the "professional" we are there to support them. So on the one hand it was really nice for us to be together to support each other... We agree that we're bonded for life... however we also feel that today we made a difference, we ministered to them. I calmed her before she went into her home.

What I realized however is that this was a learning experience for me. I am going to be faced with hard situations and horror stories and people are going to look to me... Who am I??? Lesson 2... don't take it with me. I've never had that problem before but like I said... I've supported people in grief before... but this was another level... an entirely different plane. I pray that God will cover those two women tonight and the nights and days ahead... for these will truly be some long days... and long nights for these two women. I'm thankful, that God chose to use me. Saddened at the circumstances, angered at the doctors that botched up her healthcare... but most of all... grateful... grateful to God. Knowing that His mercy is everlasting. Grateful that I know He won't leave them alone. Grateful, that He can comfort them. Grateful, that He can bear their burdens. Grateful dare I say it... that it wasn't me. That sounds like such a selfish, horrible statement... but its truth... I wouldn't want it to be me but I also didn't want it to be them. I didn't want it to be anyone at all. The pain that I saw that mother in today... was something that I know that people experience but something I really wish they didn't have to...

Monday Monday

What can I say... its Monday and do I really have to tell you just how hard it is to function at work knowing that I'm going to quit yet them not knowing yet... it's like some little secret that I have...

I know something you don't know...

Anyway... I have fallen behind in my studies and I have to get off of this computer to read in my Social & Abnormal Psych... chances are I won't read in Abnormal because I need to read in Child & Adolescent Psych also and I have class in both of them this week but not in Abnormal because it falls on Good Friday... how GOOD for me!

I've applied for on-campus housing and was told that they don't generally have a lot of grad apartments blah blah blah... so I'm believing God to work it out for me... because I'd much reather pay that than actually rent every month... But I have a little while to wait on that. I've begun studying for the GRE exam... well sort of... more like getting prepared to study... and I've been writing down the vocabulary words on index cards... allow me to say that I have never ever felt as dumb as I did when I looked at that word list.. WHO USES THOSE WORDS!!! Certainly no one I know... So that'll be a challenge because I actually want to do well on the exam... and then the NO calculator thing are they trying to KILL ME!!!

Well that's all for now... life is pretty uneventful at the moment...

TTFN
(Ta ta for now for all of you that didn't get that)

Excitement Builds

Trying to get in the habit of writing at least once a week... but I do have something that I want to share as well as some thoughts...

I'm so very excited about going to school which is funny because I have never ever been excited about school LOL! I don't know if its because I feel like I'm walking directly in line with my purpose or what. Spiritually I've been seeking something that I'm not finding. With this institution being so devout in helping you to grow spiritually if its just what I need to get me from where I am now. I am secure and grounded. My faith level is where it needs to be. However... I feel like I'm missing something... something I seek but am not finding. I'm looking forward to the change of scenerey where I know no one but myself and God and just learning more about him... and learning more about my chosen field and ... I don't know... I can't really put it into words but I feel that the next two years are going to be life changing... like God has something special in store just for me...

Anyway, I recieved an email today from the grad department and I would like to share a piece of it here...

Your experience here at "college" will be life changing. Relationships with professors and Christians from all over the world will help you develop a richer understanding of the Lord and His working in the world today. It is our expectation that your being here will contribute to that ongoing experience for other students and our faculty. God bless you as you prepare to join us. We are praying for you.


In Christ

Who wouldn't be excited to be in a place where the atmosphere is ripe and set for the will of God!

Too much...

I felt like posting right now. I have a lot going on... as a photographer as well as a student as well as holding down a fulltime job much can stack up on my plate at one time. This morning I found myself laying in the bed well after I should have been "up and at it"... but I just didn't feel like it... bottom line.

My teacher extended our due date for our paper... I have to get these photo's edited but I ran into a software issue... that's fixed and I'm more than half way through with editing but I still have to create the specials and those are very time consuming. I tried reading earlier but the book couldn't keep my attention though I have a quiz in that class when I get back to school.

I'm tired of my job and am so happy that I'm going to quit soon... but I still can't lose my focus and its real hard to work when your mind is constantly looking to the future. I'm in a constant battle trying to bring my mind in and not be anxious. Its not like what's to come will be easy at all... so... I sit here... needing a break. I've been editing for about 4 hours so I can see why I've "tireded" out LOL! Yep that's a word it's in my personal dictionary.

Hmmm... I felt like writing and now I don't really have much to say LOL! Who knows... maybe I'll be back tonight as it seems I won't be leaving this computer anytime soon... deadline for the pic's has changed to Monday from tomorrow so that's good... but still I have more to do.

Anyway... til later.

New Beginnings

Welcome to my new blog!

I've decided that over the next 2 years as I enter into this new phase of my life I'd like to journal if you will my thought processes, my happenings etc. I don't know as of this current post at this specific time if I want to share this with people I know or if I just want to have a space to speak my mind honestly without fear of hurting anyone, without hinderance as to not be free to... speak my mind... If you know me and you're reading this then it means that I've chosen to share it all with you.

In a short while I'll be starting graduate school and I must say I'm very excited about it. I'm 32 years old and when "going back to school" first came up... I wasn't trying to hear it... but now a year later I'm doing well and have been accepted to the institution that I desired to be in... I'm very happy about that...

That's good enough for my intro/first post into my blog...