Crossroads

Lord... time flies... its been a month already... Anyway... Crossroads... you know that point when you have way too many decisions... to many paths ahead of you... basically... too many choices... too many possibilities... and at the same time... you don't really know what is possible. You don't know what you want... in so many directions...

I'm not even being pulled any many directions... unless you count my heart... It doesn't know what it wants... and then... my head... normally it thinks it knows what it wants/needs... but now even that certainty is gone. It leaves me in an uncomfortable state... What do you do when you don't know what to do about 'life, love and other mysteries?' The only thing I think I can do is just keep moving... almost trusting that things will end up as they should, that things will work out like they should... that I will somehow have wound up on the correct path... that the decisions ahead of me will somehow mysteriously work themselves out. What else can I do... think???

If it was just one thing or one area it wouldn't be so disconcerting... but it seems that I have trusted God thus far with my life... and I still do... but I have no idea where I am going to end up, in the long run... I mean short term yes, I'm in the beginning of my new career... no confusion about that path, so to speak... I just don't know what all it will entail... I don't know if there's going to be more than I know and can forsee right now... already I'm thinking of other ways I can reach out and impact my community... and I'm thinking on larger scales and wondering just how on earth am I supposed to get these things done... or am I supposed to...

Then... lets just name it... love... when will that really come... really... will it?... Ever?... For real?... Sure, I know... have faith... easier said than done... not even so much that I don't believe that "love" can't come.. but will it be right... will he be right... will he be the one that God wants for me... or will I choose wrong just because I'm ready for love... I feel like India.Arie, you know the song, "I am ready for love"... So... you'd think that would be it right...nope... then there is the whole logistically where will I end up in 4 short months... I know what I want... but is even that right??? My entire life seems to be outside of my control... maybe I never had control...but I thought I did and now I am so very fiercely aware of how much I just am NOT in control... its a scary thought... I know... God has me... I'm sure He does...but what about when I act up?... What then? What about when I make wrong choices... for wrong reasons... what then? See... Crossroads... and still... this isn't it...

Professionally... as I begin to carve out my professional identity... what does that mean... to be a strong, black, professional woman.. who am I accountable to... who do I owe... who's looking up to me... am I aware of all of the eyes on me... am I thinking large enough... instead of thinking regionally, or even nationally... should my thoughts be more global? I don't think so... but hey.... who knows... I mean... there are so many avenues I could go down... so many decisions to be made... will it involve more schooling... can I do it? Do I want to? Is it really necessary?

So... with all of these things on my mind is it any wonder that I can't really seem to focus. I'm trying to just focus on what is immediately ahead of me and let tomorrow work itself out... but some things must be planned... I have to finish up this semester of classes and assignments, finish up the internship, find a job... and not just any job... not just any agency... but one that will give me the clientele I need to obtain my license... so much pressure... and yet... I feel calm... is that a defense mechanism... or has God given me peace even in the midst of my confusion. I hope so.