Epiphany's

I've come to some serious decisions in my life. After going through my past relationship and seeing a few others... I've come to a serious conclusion regarding my dating life... part of which I finished coming to this afternoon driving home... When I meet someone that has that potential to "be the one"... I don't want us to straight out date for anytime less than a year... (this is not a dating plan for others just me)... I want to completely be over and out of the "infatuation" stage and into the "back to normal" life and I'm doing my thing and he's a part of my life and he's doing his thing and I'm a part of his... but seperate... and then work on our relationship as we go... not thinking about a pending or upcoming marriage... what I have found (and its first hand) when the "marriage" situation presents itself it seems that all else goes out the door... especially dealing with harsh realities because you want nothing to "get in the way" of the pending nuptuals... well... been there and done that...

I've also come to another realization... if it was meant for me to have experienced motherhood at this stage in my life I would have, simple as that... seeing as how I am not a virgin and wasn't always saved and have never had an abortion but will and can admit that I wasn't always the "most careful" if that was my destiny it would have happened... and if God has or had managed to keep me from bearing children prior to my salvation and celibate life then its no mistake that I am still without child at this point. With my upcoming schooling I really want my focus to be getting through that without "rushing" or other major concerns, like a baby, a wedding, etc... I can most definitely meet someone and he become quite meaningful however I want don't want to focus on "being married" to whomever comes along but simply living life and if that's the way we're destined to go... we will... This probably makes no sense but it is so very clear to me... My life has direction (not that it hasn't in the past) and though I'm not all knowing and don't know what is ahead I can make some hard decisions... I can decide to focus on my grad school career and allow that to be my primary focus (outside of God) and if a man does come into my life that he'll do nothing but support me and push me forward... but not distract me... because if he is for me... then there really is no hurry. Because as far as the biological clock is concerned... it was ticking when I wasn't looking to have children but doing everything to make one... kwim? So I'll give that completely now to God and do what I know I'm to do and leave my future where I'd already claimed I had... in His hands...